Monday, February 14, 2011

Esperanza Spalding vs. A Gathering Of Angry 12 Year-Old Girls

File this late night session under "Daaaaaaaaaamn, do you kiss your mom with that mouth, Bieber fan?": Esperanza Spalding--and yeah, she's a new one to me, too--won the 2011 Best New Artist Grammy on Sunday night, beating (among others) fresh-faced inescapable pop star Justin Bieber. The hipster scum laugh up their sleeves at the mainstream values of Grammy voters (at least they did until Arcade Fire took Best Album), but that gold gramaphone is still a marvelous way to attract attention to yourself. First sign of that: soon after Spalding won, her Wikipedia bio lit up with all kinds of edit action, mainly from enraged Bieber fans who apparently aren't used to being told "NO." A few simple samples:
  • First, some authentic-sounding Bieber fan invective: "Recently, she won the best new artist at the 53rd Grammy Awards JUSTIN BIEBER DESERVED IT GO DIE IN A HOLE. WHO THE HECK ARE YOU ANYWAY?" Because gosh-darn it, I'm peed off at Bieber catching cow cookies from everybody! Pardon my language...
  • An almost-hidden-but-not-quite snipe: "Esperanza Justin Spalding (born October 18, 1984 in Portland, Oregon) is a Grammy-Award winning American multi-instrumentalist best known as a jazz bassist and singer, who draws upon many genres in her own compositions. Recently, she won the Grammy Award for Best New Artist at the 53rd Grammy Awards by stealing it from Justin Bieber." Apart from that petty tag, note the added middle name, which doesn't quite take the biscuit the way the "Esperanza Quesadilla Spalding" edit did.
  • Some were a little more volatile. "Her mother, who raised her and her brother as a single parent, was an independent, industrious woman. SHE IS F****** REATARD THAT NO ONE HAS HEARD OF SO B**** PLEASE DIE !" Note that this drive-by vandal thinks in terms of curse words but still can't muster up the cojones to actually write them out.
  • "She now has the 2011 Grammy for being the Best new Artist! Even though no one has ever heard of her! Yay!"
  • The most recent drive-by at this writing shows something approaching sad resignation. "She won the Grammy Award for Best New Artist at the 53rd Grammy Awards, which is a shame because no one is better than the Biebs."
  • The winner of the "Why Does This Make Me Think of John Hodgman?" Award: "Spalding currently lives in Austin, Texas. Also, testicles, that is all.."
  • And finally, one from the opposition camp: "On February 13th, Esperanza won the Grammy for Best New Artist, beating out Nominee and gay favorite Justina Bieber."
In the interests of full disclosure, I also found a "DAMN IT MUMFORD AND SONS SHOULD HAVE WON THE GRAMMMY!!!!" edit, but it doesn't really constitute a trend. Don't sweat it, guys.

All these in-public tantrums don't do the Bieberites any favors, since many of us always assumed they were all 12 years old anyway, but they really should be grateful that the new artist Grammy skipped over their golden boy. After all, Amy Winehouse got one of those too, and look what happened to her.

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