Sunday, April 20, 2008

My New Haircut: yinzer edition

(You really need to watch this to understand what's going on. It's only about two and a half minutes, go ahead. I'll wait.)


[our hero is an overweight, bearded, middle-aged man in a dive bar wearing a clearly vintage Steelers jersey.]

You know what this is? This is my new fuckin' haircut. You know what that means? It means I'm gettin' laid tonight. My boys [inset of scene from a Steelers tailgate party], they all got the same haircut, they're all gettin' laid tonight. I'm gonna nail every broad that walks through that door. Broads love my haircut. And if they don't... trailer trash.

[points at camera and repeats from various angles] ... trailer trash. Trailer trash. Trailer trash. Trailer trash.

Yeah I'm wearing my Franco Harris jersey in the middle of April. That's 'cause the Steelers rule and everyone should know it.

I swear to God, one jag-off looks at me the wrong way, I'm startin' a fight. [A man wearing a Browns jersey walks by, earning a glare from our hero.] Yeah, keep walkin', jag-off!

[Cut: Our hero walks into a building carrying a case of Iron City on his shoulder.]

Guy at desk: Sir, you have to check in.

Hero: Not now jag-off, the Stillers game is about to start!

[Back at bar] Yeah, I eat Primanti Brothers sammiches. I eat that shit for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

[in bathroom, looking in mirror, face painted in black and gold] Yeah, it's gametime, we're in control, we're gonna kick some serious Bengal ass. Got my Lipitor... [picks up bottle, notices it's empty] Ma! Ma! Where's my goddamn Lipitor! I told ya to get my refill of Lipitor!

[in bar] Yeah, I grunt when I go lift at the gym. That's 'cause everyone needs to see how much the Steelers rule.

[in gym, on treadmill wearing Steelers jersey and Zubaz pants] Yeah... uh... Yeah... huff... wheeze... yeah.... [steps off, coughing wildly]

[back in bar] Hey buddy, two Iron Cities here!

[cut back to house, screaming each item from different camera shot] PIEROGIES! PRIMANTI BROTHERS! IRON CITY! EXTRA CHEEEEEEEEEEEESE!

[back in bar] Yeah, I'm getting ripped tonight. Gonna drink about five pitchers of Iron City tonight. I fuckin' SHOWER in that shit.

[pointing at camera from different angles and repeating] Iron City! Iron City! Iron City! Iron City! Iron City!

[Cut to hero chugging from remainder of pitcher, somehow not spilling a drop, then slamming it down on the table] Iron City.

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