Monday, December 31, 2007

Four Little Words To Screw Up 2008 In Advance

Hello Kitty for men.

Will this work in Japan? Maybe. American guys are another matter, and to explain this, let me walk you through a a lot of Internet comedy hacks, I'll start by asking you to picture Chuck Norris in his 1980s action hero prime. While stomping through some Eastern European wilderness, playing a dangerous game of cat-and-mouse with some Soviet-looking soldiers who have a foul sense of humor, he violently relieves one of his fully-loaded machine gun. The problem: it's covered in glitter and puffy stickers with googly eyes.

Do you think Chuck wants to use this as his engine of destruction? Hell no, but he will because dammit, he's a pro. The thing is just before he decks the first guy with the butt of that gun in close quarters combat, the guy will catch a glimpse of the glitter and puffy stickers and he'll giggle. And that will ruin the moment for both of them...especially since Chuck'll hit the guy twice as hard for pissing him off.

The moral of this indecipherable story: there are certain things you don't want to think about while being a guy, and one of them is the implications of having a kawaii cartoon cat with a bow in her hair on your shirt.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Because I Have Connections...

Online with me now: the lead investigator in the Benazir Bhutto assassination. I'm unfamiliar with the ways of the region, but high sources assure me this man was handpicked by the Musharraf government for his integrity and his devotion to the truth.

Tell us, sir, what are your conclusions about this tragedy?

(And if you really need me to be on the nose about this: yes, this was a tragedy and my heart goes out the the Pakistani people, but I have grave issues about the "investigation"...)

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Today's Topic For Elf Training Seminar: "Does Our Boss Actually Exist?"

Medium Large, one of my favorite web comics ever, began drying up around this time last year, so it's good to see that Ces Marciuliano (also known as "the man presiding over Ted Forth's decline and fall") is reposting his ML Christmas comics (also here, and here...oh, and don't forget here). Not for younger kids. Have fun.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Ron Paul's Heathen Moneybomb

Ah, the unity of the GOP, the notion that "the adults are in charge"...and then, the Huckabee "grass roots" forum turns to the topic of Sunday's Ron Paul "money bomb" and things get weird.

Since there's a good chance they'll delete the thread at any moment, here are a few conspiracy theories being bandied around by this particular group of Hucksters:
  • The Paulites are running "spambots" to inflate the hit count. My corollary to this theory: These people don't really know what "spambots" are.
  • The Paulites are using stolen credit cards, and once the fraud cases are shaken out, they'll be lucky if they cleared $6,000.
  • These are just pledges, no real money has changed hands yet, and once the deadbeats are shaken out...well, see above. One guy said "they already took the money out, you jerks".
  • The Paulites are preying on dumb college kids, and once their parents wake up on Sunday morning, the contributions will level off.
  • Everybody knows Internet money isn't REAL money ("The exchange rate is $1,000 I-dollars to 1 real dollar, so you only raised $17,500 real dollars morons"). Damn shame it spends like real money, but try telling people that.
  • ...and of course, the last resort: The Paul camp is making it up. Every last bit of it.

All of this fraud jibberjabber is based on the idea that if Paul was raising all this money for real, he'd be polling higher. Huckabee is #2 nationally, first in Iowa and SC, and tied for first in Florida, so naturally they're very edgy about things that challenges this.

I've been trying to dodge direct quotes (since you need to explore this discourse on your own), but this was too good to keep:

I have been told Ron Paul is receiving large donations from Satan worshipers and racist organizations such as the KKK. Were one to remove the money sent in from vile men, Ron Paul would have only raised $467.32 today so far - and I doubt the people to send in that four hundred dollars would be nothing more than heathens, anyway.
Putting aside for the moment this worthy individual basing the above belief on nothing (except the idea that Paul must be evil since, y'know, he puts the Constitution first), if we took all the "heathen money" out of politics, Congress would have to be run out of the backroom of a Beltway barber shop, and employ many less "vile men" of its own. Also, they'd have to cut hair between sessions, and who wouldn't want that?

I have to express my deepest regrets to the poster who claimed to make a $10,000 bet that Paul wouldn't make it above the $6 million mark "If and when my bet hits I will donate $2000 to the Mike Huckabee campaign. If he miraculously goes over, I lose my house. Let's just say I am not the least bit worried." I hope they have some decent apartments in your area.

(Disclaimer: Doom is this blog's resident Ron Paul backer, and therefore I'm trodding his ground with this post. I'm a left-leaning fence-sitter as far as '08 goes, but I am fascinated by Paul and his supporters.)

(Early December 20 edit: After reading more of this forum, it's occurred to me that, taken as a whole, the entire "Mike Huckabee Grassroots Central" forum is probably a hoax, or at least is overrun by hoax posters. So there's no telling
what I was just looking at. If the whole thing's a fraud, I can feel the pain of the of the evangelicals who got snowed by The Onion. At least I would if they could just get the hang of this irony thing...)

Sunday, December 09, 2007

On The Night Before Christmas

Last year around this time, you saw me get my butt in a knot over the phony war on Christmas. Since the scaremongers of record declared victory on that front, I figure we can sit back and enjoy a moment of peace on earth this year. Therefore, here are Fibber McGee and Molly, my old-time radio heroes, "On The Night Before Christmas".

Part 1:

Part 2 (the musical part):