Friday, April 20, 2007

I Do Not Recall This Lame Chat Log

Yes, in honor of Alberto Gonzalez's testimony, it's the return of the feature nobody was clamoring for: Chat Log Improv Theater!

SkabertoGonzalez: Good evening.
EasyEW: Skaberto, did you see Idol last night?
SkabertoGonzalez: I did not watch the results show, but my deputy was in charge and informed me that Sanjaya was eliminated
SkabertoGonzalez: Our long national nightmare is over.
Doom: Skaberto, can you even tell what day of the week it is?
SkabertoGonzalez: One moment, I need a beverage
SkabertoGonzalez confers with his counsel
Counsel whispers back to SkabertoGonzalez
Counsel: *passes a note*
SkabertoGonzalez: Thank you.
Counsel: *hand over microphone*
Counsel whispers something else
SkabertoGonzalez: I do not recall getting this beverage myself, nor ordering anyone else to get it for me. The final decision was not made by me. However, the beverage is cold, delicious and rum-based.
Counsel shuffles some papers nervously
Doom: That was not the question. How many fingers am I holding up?
SkabertoGonzalez: I am not in charge of counting fingers being held up, that is handled by US Attorneys.
Doom: My next question. Sir, do you have a brain?
SkabertoGonzalez whispers to counsel
SkabertoGonzalez: I have been informed that whether or not I have a brain is a decision made at the pleasure of the President.
Doom: Would you like me to repeat the question?
SkabertoGonzalez: I have given my answer, Senator.
Doom: Ok, Are you even a human being or are you a reptile from outer space?
Counsel shuffles the dead mice off the table
SkabertoGonzalez: For the purposes of this administration, I serve at the pleasure of the President as a human being.
Counsel: *covers microphone, whispers violently*
Doom: AH HA
Doom: So you could be a reptile from outer space masquerading as a human being! Tell us the truth!
SkabertoGonzalez: the President has informed me that I am in fact a human being, and that is the fact of the matter as I understand it
Counsel shields his eyes from his client
Doom: So you have to take someone elses word for it. Are you just unsure or are these programmed responses?
Counsel: *passes note*
SkabertoGonzalez reads note
Counsel looks at Skaberto, nods
SkabertoGonzalez looks questioningly at Counsel
Counsel makes the sign of the scissors
SkabertoGonzalez stands up, does the Ashlee Simpson Hoe-Down of shame and runs crying from the chamber

Counsel: I'd like to call for a recess, Senator Doom
Doom: Yes, I think we all need some time to reflect on this
Counsel packs his briefcase and gets the f--- out of Dodge

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