Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Oh Lord, It's Hard To Be Humble...

...or should that be "I don't care what you say, I'm not about to go to the third world just to pick up women"? Either way, it's yet another reason I'm going to Hell. You can blame my silent parter Matt for the inspiration.

The easy route when you read someone's resume about why they're priced out of your social market is to bag on the type of ego (or, more likely, the quality of boredom) that would cause a sane woman to whip up something like that. However, I refuse to do things the easy way (edit: and anyway, that's what everybody else did already), so instead, with tongue firmly in cheek, let's run a PMI analysis on moving to an impoverished nation just to expand your social horizons:

THE PLUS COLUMN:
  • You can definitely stretch that $20 your grandma gave you for your birthday in a country in a country where the minimum wage is 12 cents an hour.
  • There's a lot to be said for making a first date out of heckling the college kids who didn't realize the Peace Corps would put your ass to work.
  • You remember that gift sampler of Spam that you just can't get rid of? Panty peeler, son.
  • You always wanted to meet Sally Struthers, right? There she is! And her camera crew! You're gonna be on TV!
  • She won't care if that's a Pacer you're driving, as long as it runs. And you can hook a plow to it.
  • You'll find out that "being tidy" is a relative concept.
  • Unwanted "surprises"? Meet "infant mortality rate"!

THE MINUS COLUMN:

  • Tell them you're an American. Go on. I dare you. (This may also go for the British. Canadians don't have this problem as much, but people will make fun of your concept of bacon for some reason.)
  • If the Catholic missionaries got there before you, don't even think about birth control.
  • You think being chased out of the house by a crazy dad with a kitchen knife is bad? Try a machete.
  • You just got held up by a group of hungry looking men. They even took your shoes, bubba. Call the cops? Don't be ridiculous, those were the cops!
  • Doctors Without Borders will not do tit jobs no matter how hard you beg.
  • Your car gets blown up by angry rebels in the jungle? Yeah, Allstate isn't covering that.
  • The nearest "ATM" is a guy living at the foot of a mountain with a pack of vicious dogs and a fully-stocked armory. His service charge? It ain't gonna be $2, buddy.
  • Love is a universal language...potable water, less so.

THE INTERESTING COLUMN:

  • It will be interesting for you to find out what different cultures do to guys who like to screw without repsonsibility.
  • It will be interesting to see how you run your XBox without electricity.
  • It will be interesting to see how long it takes your new sweetheart to roll your stupid Yankee/Limey/whatever ass for your wallet. And if she takes the credit card, too.
  • Many cultures marry off their girls at 14-15 years. It will definitely be interesting to see you explain that to the folks back home.
  • I can't wait to see what your blog entries will look like: "Current mood: being eaten alive by malaria-infested insects."
  • And finally, when that Jacqueline woman tells you she only said that to shut you up after you brag about how well her advice worked, it will be absolutely fascinating to see the blood drain from your face.

1 comment:

Matt said...

You're assuming she's sane. That's your first mistake.

Going through the technorati-linked stuff, what I alternately love and don't quite get are all the people using her to take shots at Libertarians as if that has anything to do with it. To paraphrase Freud, sometimes a stuck-up superficial bitch is just a stuck-up superficial bitch.

Also: "Don't be ridiculous, those were the cops!" Gold.